The Master Revealed
by Chris186
Summary: The Doctor is outsmarted by his arch nemesis, but is he all he seems? What motive is there to his madness? And could the Doctor himself be involved? Inspired by my own observations on the new Master, rated for some sexuality and rudeness. Polished 27/8/08


**A/N: Hey folks! New genre! Two types of story in one! Oh, and did I mention? I'M BACK!  
**

** --**

**The Master Revealed**

"PROFESSOR PLEASE! JUST OPEN THE DOOR PLEASE!" Came the desperate and frantic cries of the Doctor as his hands, wrought with fear and uncertainty rapped and barged against the steel door. Sweat poured from his brow and his heart pumped in his throat – raw fear was crawling up his spine. A fear which edged ever closer to his neck, to his head, to his recurring, awful thoughts – _there was only one who could have survived The War_. In his head, his heart and the pits of his stomach, he knew who that one was and the thought brought a freezing sweat to his every pore, "PROFESSOR, PLEASE, LISTEN TO ME – _WHATEVER YOU DO_, YOU **MUSTN'T** OPEN THE WATCH!!"

Along with his heart, his hands, cold and clammy from the sweat pounded harder still against the door, his fingers pressing hard against the window pane and his eyes burning with fear, anticipation and hope – sheer hope that fob watch was still jammed, that the Professor hadn't been able to get it open; but he couldn't see the Professor _anywhere_. His desperation had reached its peak – he turned swiftly on the ball of his foot to the nearby Captain Jack Harkness, his trenchcoat flapping in the breeze of the sheer panicked force its wearer had turned with. Breathless, he spoke; "_Have you got bullets in that gun_?"

Jack was taken aback, stunned by the sudden force and panic that gripped the Doctor – he stuttered, trying to find the answer on the tip of his tongue –

"TELL ME YOU'VE GOT AMMUNITION!!" The Doctor screamed, his voice becoming hoarse.

"YES, GOD DAMN IT!" a belittled Jack barked in rebellious reply

"THEN SHOOT IT!"

"….are you off your nut?!"

"**JUST! OPEN! THIS DOOR!** **NOW!!**"

Gripping the revolver tightly as best he could with his hands beginning to sweat from the fear and tension as the Doctor continued shouting the name of the Professor and rapping incessantly against the door, he pulled it swiftly from its holster, the button snapping undone. With a nervous and unsteady hand he aimed at the control panel meant to unlock the door – getting it in the crosshair of his pistol, he shook with fear and uncertainty, as with a jittering groan he turned his head off to the side, eyes squinted tightly shut and pulled the trigger twice. The gunpowder in the barrel ignited and the bullets flew from the chamber with a loud bang. Twice the bullets came – three times after, still Jack pulled the trigger. To the sound of the revolver's hammer clicking empty the mechanical whirr of the door was music to the Doctor's ears. He sprinted forwards to the control room as Jack holstered his weapon and ran after him, along with Martha.

The room was filled with the incessant hiss of machinery, mechanical beeps and whirrs intruding upon the deathly silence that haunted the chamber. The Doctor arrived, panicked and desperate at the centre of the room – he stood still as the grave, if only for a moment; in front of him was the Professor, his left leg encroaching upon the interior of the TARDIS and his right hand's fingers wrapped snug around the wooden panel of the door, rapping a drumbeat against the chipped blue paint, an empty, haunting melody lending its own invasion to the room's silence. His left hand nursing a shot to the chest from the pistol clutched in the hand of the assistant Chotho, murdered by his hand…and tucked underneath his arm was Jack's 'Doctor Detector', the Doctor's lost hand kept in stasis within a lava lamp. The Master's eyes were fixed upon the figure of the Doctor – dark, menacing and full of malice; these were not the eyes of the kindly, benevolent old man, but something else. Something different; these were not the eyes of a human being –

The Doctor's own gaze shot down to the old man's left hand, to the Fob Watch – its white face on 3:15. Opened. Empty. These eyes were not those of a human.

_They were the cold, malicious and calculating eyes of a Timelord_. Not any Timelord; the only one capable of surviving the war besides the Doctor himself – the greatest and most powerful adversary he had ever known. The Master.

The Doctor's face betrayed sheer horror, his eyes wide and burning with the fear, the fire in the pits of his stomach that sent his heart leaping into his throat. Quickly, he struggled to put a blank expression on his features and began to walk towards the Timelord; it became a jog, a run, a sprint for the door frame.

With a sly and calculating smirk, The Master retreated into the TARDIS frame and slammed the door shut. Panicked and again full of raw fear, the Doctor fumbled frantically in his pockets for the key, finding it and tearing it out of the coat. Struggling to find the lock, he missed it – a fire in his eyes betrayed a panicked frustration; the key danced in his hand from the left of the lock to the right to the top. At last, with a glint of sheer relief in his eyes he found the lock, shoving the key into its slot – with a powerful twist of his wrist, he went to open the door. A sharp twist to the left – again to the right, back to the left, to the right, the left, the right faster and faster still. A desperate bang on the frame.

Nothing.

Inside the TARDIS, The Master let a smirk come across his face – the index finger of his right hand was rested snugly under the door lock's snick, having pushed it up. The key was completely useless, turning frantically in an empty hole. Clutching his wounded stomach he made his way up the plank to the main control hub, resting two fingers on a couple of flip switches on the panel.

Outside, the Doctor fumbled for his Sonic Screwdriver, taking it from his pocket and applying it to the lock of the TARDIS; as he moved up the spine of the door panel, arms outstretched, the whirr of the little machine grew ever more high pitched – he would open the door now. The Sonic Screwdriver could open anything…

The Master's fingers flipped the switches on the panel and out of the time capsule a loud whirr came. Again, he smiled. The Doctor's precious Sonic Screwdriver could open anything…

…anything except a deadlock seal.

Perhaps, if he were a lesser man, the Doctor would have allowed a tear to come to his eye – instead, his eyes and his open mouth betrayed a crushed spirit; thwarted, outsmarted and defeated. The Sonic Screwdriver fell to the floor from a shocked open hand, its bump breaking the deafening silence in the Doctor's ears. In his hazel eyes, a tearful glister pleaded with the TARDIS itself to open its doors to him - his mouth spoke out of a swollen throat, breaking and stuttering; speaking to The Master himself.

"…_Let me in_…"

Defeated, he rapped on the door with a gentle thud – a forceful bang and another one and another one – pounded the frame with both his hands, enraged and frustrated out of sheer desperation.

"LET ME IN!! OPEN THE DOOR!!"

His throat swelled, his throat became sore from sheer screaming – his body tired from kicking and punching, pounding against the door. He retreated in his tone, choked, "_Please_!"

He collapsed, exhausted – throat swollen, eyes streaming with tears, choking with defeat, anger, pain and fear.

"_Please_…just open the door, _please_" His throat choked and his chest heaved with tears…The Master could do anything with his beautiful machine; take his last relic of the life he so adored, the last child of Galifrey, his child, away from him , "_Please_…_don't hurt her… I'm begging you, please_."

Without his ship, his beautiful ship, he had nothing else. Everything would be gone; he was helpless to stop it – for the first time in a long time, he felt truly helpless to do something, anything to get out of this situation. The Master had taken everything from him – even that stupid hand; that damn, stupid hand that that damned Captain Jack just _had_ to keep, still in stasis and probably packed to the gills with the residual cellular energy from his botched regeneration…swimming with just the right amount of material for someone else to be able siphon and use for their own….

The interior of the TARDIS exploded in a rainbow of colours – through the false window panels, the Doctor, now shocked and forced to get up and step back to witness this spectacle saw the spectrum shifting and changing violently….

Inside the TARDIS, The Master was enveloped in a rainbow – rooted to the spot, crucified on a cross of the mind ready to be reborn; gold dust poured from his arms, his hands and head spewed green, brilliant light; the Regeneration of a Timelord in all its glory – from the old man's wrinkled face there came sprouting, shifting, changing, a new head, new eyes – his body shook with a profound violence as he felt every single cell in his body change; and from his new mouth and new throat, he let out victory – a deafening scream…

The rainbow came to an end outside the TARDIS in a brilliant flash of white light – the Doctor's severed hand contained just enough residual energy to allow The Master to siphon it for his own regeneration, just as the Doctor suspected; but having regenerated, he would have thought that the Master would be quick to get down to business – he seemed to be taking a lot longer than usual…had his regeneration gone wrong?

Inside the TARDIS, The Master had awoken from his regeneration – getting up, he felt his hair; short and cropped. Two arms, two legs, nice face. This one had gone well! Down to business, he thought. He looked around him – inside its jar, the Doctor's hand was bloodied and bruised where once it had been clean, its energy used up and the hand beginning to die – but what did that matter? The TARDIS was his! Clenching his fists, he thrust them down to his waist and let out a victorious chuckle – he began to run around, his eyes taking in the knobs and switches and his mouth grinning widely. Finishing his circular run around, he was giddy like an overexcited schoolboy –

"_Oooh! Oooh!_" he squealed, hopping from foot to foot and waving his flimsy hands around, "_Buttons! Buttons! BUTTONS!_" He squealed again, biting his knuckles – the temptation was too huge; letting one finger fly, he hit a switch on the panel. It switched on the exterior monitor. In his view was – hold on – was _that_ the Doctor?! The Master gasped; suddenly he felt his heart beat a little bit faster – dear God, he was _gorgeous_. If he manipulated the camera, perhaps he could check him out a bit more; and so he began to turn a circular device to manipulate the direction of the feed – and what should he get but a rugged, dark and handsome young lad right next to that ridiculously sexy new Doctor. He suddenly felt himself very short of breath – he was forgetting about the TARDIS console with all its buttons and switches; right now, he wanted to play with a very different knob.

_Now now…discipline, darling, discipline_ he said to himself as he relaxed his breathing and switched off the camera. The monitor was blank, clear enough to get a reflection – ah, finally, he could see what he…._oh my god_…_what_ was he _wearing_?! That did _not _flatter, it was _so_ _1863!!_ It didn't bear thinking about– to a wardrobe, _quickly _man!! With his hands over his mouth with the sheer shock of his fashion faux pas, he ran to the Doctor's wardrobe.

"What do you think's taking him so long?" said a confused Captain Jack, approaching the Doctor outside the TARDIS

"I've no idea" replied the Doctor with a stern tone

"Hey..have you got any idea why this guy hates you?"

"Yes – I made mistakes. Things happened."

"Like what?"

The Doctor maintained a stern silence.

Coats! Bags! Shoes! This was _paradise_! The Master hopped, skipped and jumped from each hanger and railing, stroking and caressing the fur lining of the trenchcoats, the silk lining of the bags, smelling the exquisite leather and drooling over the design of the shoes whilst a Rachel Stevens number played over the radio system. He had managed to calm himself down just long enough to pick out some tight, figure-hugging PVC trousers and a flamboyant Hawaiian shirt with a bow tie. He had opted for loafers to go with them and was currently gorging his reflection in the full-length mirror, running his hand over his pert, firm new buttocks – he gave himself a little spanking, licking his lips and winking at himself in the mirror.

"Oh, hold on…" he said to himself, "That bow tie does _clash_ doesn't it….hmm…less is more!" With that he removed his bow tie and unbuttoned his shirt.

"Oooh, hello big boy" he smirked to himself, "_Naughty_!"

The Master quickly made his way back to the central control room….

Outside, the Future-Kind had surrounded Jack, Martha and the Doctor. Stranded with no way out, all they could do was wait until their demise as the creatures encircled them, their fangs bared, drooling, hungry for their next meal.

"Well…guess this is the part where we say our prayers…" said a defeated Jack

In the control room, the Master, dressed to kill, switched on the monitor again, delighting in seeing those two gorgeous men on the screen. He felt his heart beating that little bit faster again – he quite fancied those two, yes he did; but! Mind on the mission! Tapping the external megaphone switch, he cleared his throat, preparing to make a statement.

"Right!" he spoke, booming over the megaphone, "Now then! _Doctor_! And err…you, gorgeous, what's your name darling?"

"I'm Captain Jack Harkness…" came the Captain's reply from outside "and who are you?"

"Oh _for the love of -_" began the Doctor in protest

"Now boys, play nice!" interrupted the Master, short of breath ever so slightly "Lovely to meet you darling. Now, I'd be much obliged if you'd say hello to my friends…"

"What, wolfgang over here?" came Jack's witty reply as they came ever closer for their meal.

"Oh now, be nice!" The Master interjected, "Right, where was I…oh yes..." He cleared his throat, lowering his voice into a deep attempt at villainous intimidation, "_Doctor_!" he boomed, gathering all his wit and savvy. This gorgeous Doctor was going to die, oh yes and this was going to have him shaking in his boots! He'd be on his knees, _begging for his mercy_ – damn, that was a bit kinky…from out of the TARDIS megaphone came the Master's ultimate intimidation in his deep, booming voice –

"_Prepare for a sticky end_!!"

The Doctor's face contorted into disgust, with slight bemusement.

"_What?!_" he said, incredulously, utterly incensed

"…Ohmigod" came the voice of the Master as he hit upon the realisation of his mistake, covering his mouth with his fingers "…I did _not_ just say that…oh, Jesus..."

"Errm…." Said an increasingly nervous Doctor as the Future-Kind continued to encircle the small group, showing no signs of stopping.

"No, no, hold on, I've got it now" came the Master's voice. He cleared his throat once more, putting on his best villain baritone "I'm going to have – I mean – _get_ you, Doctor!! And your little bitch too!"

Martha and Jack exchanged looks of uncertainty amongst themselves. Martha flicked her head off to Jack's direction rhythmically. Jack simply nodded his head in acknowledgment.

"Can we talk about this!? _Please??_" came the Doctor's voice – the Future-Kind were now beginning to form a semi-circular pattern around Jack, himself and Martha and surrounding them ever-more, causing them to have to back towards the TARDIS somewhat. Sweat glistened on Jack's brow…

"Oh of course we can, darling!" the Master replied jovially, "We can stop and have a nice little chit-chat over a hot mocha and I can tell you all my evil plans and then you can figure out a way to stop me!"

"Sounds like a good time" the Doctor replied

Over the intercom there came a small whimsical chuckle – "I think _not_!" said the Master, "Don't you talk to me about a good time; I'm _already_ having a good time – the same sort of good time you gave me…. you _bastard_."

"Is _that_ what this is all about?!" said the Doctor incredulously, "It was never like that, I _swear_!"

"What was like what?" asked Jack suddenly

"_I'm_ telling the story!!" interrupted a vexed Master

Out of breath from panic, the Doctor pleaded "Will you _please_ call these things off?!"

"No!" replied the Master, "I quite fancy killing you to be honest, darling and these seem just the job. No mess, no fuss, just your guts and entrails all over the machinery! Ooooh, happy day!"

"Sounds nice" came Jack's reply

"Oh, _I know_!" said the Master, going off on a tangent, "I do love this new voice! Isn't it just _divine_?"

The Doctor was in a state of sheer desperation now; swallowing all the pride he'd ever had, he spoke, breathless and desperate,

"Oh _come on_!" he pleaded, "I mean…that's a bit _boring_, isn't it? Have a bit of fun, you big fairy!"

Inside the TARDIS, the Master considered the Doctor's proposal with a flimsy hand stroking his stubble…well, a quick death was just so _plain_…there had to be something else…something a bit more… _flamboyant_ – oh! Oh yes! _Inspiration_!!

"…Okie dokie boys" came the Master's eventual reply, "If you want me to call them off -"

"For God's sake, hurry up!" pleaded the Doctor as the Future-Kind drew closer

The Master was giddy with excitement, in love with his idea – he hopped up and down from foot to foot, waving his hands and giggling with anticipation…

"_Dance and sing_!!" came his voice over the intercom in a high-pitched squeal

All three trapped outside the TARDIS were incensed –

"That's _mad_!" Martha shrieked

"He's crazy!!" Jack gasped

"…he's The Master." The Doctor said dryly out of the corner of his mouth

"Come on then boys, smile for the camera!" the Master prompted, flicking his flimsy hand in direction at the TARDIS monitor screen. Full of resentment, The Doctor beckoned Jack back from being huddled against the TARDIS to being in front of the camera along with the Doctor himself. Martha stayed where she was.

"…_Will this do_?" came the Doctor's voice dripping with vexed sarcasm from the TARDIS monitor as he let his arms flop to the sides in sheer hopelessness.

"Oh that's _perfect_, darling! Hold it right there!"

"…Okay"

Inside the TARDIS, The Master was giddy with excitement – oh, he had just the job for this number! Flicking a few switches, he activated a playback device; the Doctor had kept numerous music CDs in the TARDIS console from various eras and one of them was just _perfect_.

From out of the exterior megaphone came the sound of Neil Hannon's _Love Don't Roam_. The jazz trumpets filled the room – and the high pitched sound paralysed the approaching Future-Kind. They collapsed in agony, defeated so long as the sound was there.

"Doctor, what the hell is he doing?" Jack asked nervously

"Ah ah ah!" interrupted the Master, "no interruptions! I shouldn't want this music to go to waste or I'll have to turn it off!"

The Doctor began to throw his wrists in casual circles around one another and sway his sides awkwardly – he bumped into Jack very deliberately to start him dancing. Jack began to mumble the words as he swayed – but the Doctor was suspicious. The Master, for all his ills, had some musical sense and this was not a number to sing and dance to; it was slow, sexy and had something of the cabaret about it – he wouldn't make them sing and dance. So what was it? The Doctor gasped out loud and his eyes betrayed shock – _no_! No, he wouldn't! Oh, but he was and the Doctor had no choice but to go along with the act.

"_Jack_" he barked under his breath, hoping to catch the Captain's attention.

He had interrupted his singing – "_What_?" Jack replied in the same tone

"_Stop singing_, he _doesn't_ want us to _sing_!"

"Oh, just dancing then?"

"Err…sort of, yeah…"

"Wait a minute…" Jack's face turned to shock as sweat formed on his brow, "…What kind of dancing?"

The Doctor danced closer to Jack, now back-to-back with him, the both of them still doing their awkward sway for the camera – the Doctor tilted his head to speak into Jack's ear.

"_Ok_…no sudden movements, nice and slow…don't ask questions" the poor Doctor cringed with humiliation "just…take your clothes off."

"_What_?!" said an incredulous Jack full of fear and horror

"Start with your trenchcoat, you can harmonise with me, ready? Ok…1…2…3!"

Both men walked a few feet away from each other and slipped their coats off their bodies slow, in time with the rhythm of the song – with a cringe, the Doctor got saucy and threw the coat casually over the TARDIS with a forced wink and a smile. Jack's coat was caught by Martha who dropped it to the floor and leaned back onto the panels with a smile – all's fair in love and war.

Inside the TARDIS, The Master was very much enjoying what he saw on the video screen – breathless and with his heart racing he leaned back in a nearby seat, one hand on the back of his head after dabbing the sweat on his brow…the other somewhere very different. Those gorgeous boys had locked their fingers behind their heads and were gyrating and thrusting their crotches like no tomorrow – and now – oh _god, YES_! The Doctor had slid his hands down and he was taking off his jacket – and Jack had slid his shoulder suspenders down his shirt and now he was taking it off! His imagination was running wild – The Doctor was sliding his tie off; oh, and now he was rubbing it up and down his body!!

"Hey!" came Jack's voice over the intercom as he waved his shirt over his index finger and gyrated his crotch, "you like this? Eh? Oh, don't act like you don't! Oh yeah!"

"This isn't supposed to be _fun_!!" the Doctor scorned, his face contorted and his voice straining with embarrassment and humiliation, "How much more of this do I have to _take_, you sicko?!"

"USE MY NAME, BITCH!" screamed the Master, exhausted and breathless from excitement. The Doctor's voice strained with humiliation once more – he was going to vomit the words.

"_M – Master!_!"

"LOUDER!"

The Doctor screamed in frustration, almost erotically -

"_Awwwwwww, Master!! Master! MASTER!!"_ he cried as he began to unbutton his shirt whilst Jack began to slide his other shirt off his body. Soon, Jack took his own shirt off and threw it to the ground whilst the Doctor whipped the shirt edges out of his shirt out of his trousers and slid it off. Both men were completely bare chest.

"Hey…this really isn't so bad" Jack said with a wry smile

"_Shut up. Shut up. SHUT UP._" The Doctor hissed resentfully, unbuckling his belt, sliding it violently out of the trouser ringlets and tossing it to the ground… what the? _The music was getting quieter_! The Master was turning the volume down.

"_Damn_!" the Doctor hissed, "_Jack! _He's getting _bored_!"

Jack let out a chuckle – "of _this_?" he smirked, gesturing towards his superb chest.

"_Just do what I do_. Count of _three_, walk back towards me and whilst you're at it, kick off your shoes."

"Right"

Both men, in time with the music danced back towards one another, kicking off their shoes as they went. The Doctor placed himself directly against Jack's back and –

_Jesus_! The Master couldn't believe what he's just seen on that monitor – both of them had grabbed each other's hips and now they were fumbling to undo each other's trousers!! God, this was saucy! He'd never seen anything like this – they were sliding them down each other's legs and off. The Doctor looked thoroughly disgusted with himself, but strangely, Jack didn't seem to mind at all. This deserved a raised volume!

The song flooded the room once again just as both men were raising their legs and whipping their socks off. Now in nothing but their underwear, the last few notes of the song faded out. Silence.

"Oh!" came the Master's voice. There followed a faux applause, "Oh, bravo boys, bravo! Superb!"

Jack grinned.

"Thanks!" he smiled – but whilst he was smiling, The Doctor began to panic – this would mean that the Future Kind would soon recover and be attacking them again. The Master's voice returned.

"I just wish you hadn't made such a mess of your clothes…still, I'm one to talk…"

"Hey!" shouted the Doctor, keen to stop him going any further, "How about another?"

"Ooooh, Doctor!" came the Master's voice, "where _did_ you get those sumptuous pants?"

The Doctor went red as a beetroot and clasped his hands over his crotch.

"What? They're nothing special" he snapped, albeit defeated and embarrassed, "Just pants. Good old pants. Everyone wears pants…well, I suppose you couldn't count nudists…but that's just weird."

"Oh, behave!" said the Master in a coo, "I mean I knew you loved your cartoons but really darling, that is something else!"

"…I love that film." The Doctor replied in a weak protest – he removed his hands from his crotch and looked down at his beloved bright green briefs, featuring very prominently on the front of which was the smiling happy face of Kermit the Frog.

Jack, in his plain blue boxers failed miserably at concealing his howling chest, letting out a very loud snort. He spared the Doctor the asking. Martha was in stitches.

"Oi!" he scorned, "_Anyway_" the Doctor shouted over the Master's audible howls of laughter from the TARDIS interior, "more music!! Another song!!"

"Oh" replied the Master, "oh you want another one, do you?! Alright then! How about another _German _one?! And another! And _another_! Does that sound familiar, Doctor?!"

The Master began to sob hysterically over the megaphone. The Doctor wasn't sympathetic,

"Oh, please no, don't start with your mood swings…" he pleaded

"_DANCE AND SING_ YOU _SON OF A BITCH_!!" came the Master's tearful command from the megaphone. From out of the TARDIS came the delightful strains of "Jäger Aus Kurpfalz", a traditional German folk song with its soft violins and clarinets…this pick had been very specific.

With the sounds being just enough to stop the Future-Kind advancing, the Doctor and Jack put each others arms around their backs and began singing.

"Ein Jäger aus Kurpfalz." Jack sang, "der reitet durch den grünen Wald"

"Oooh, you're good!" the Doctor complimented

"Thanks" Jack replied, continuing to sing, "Yoo ya yoo YAAA yoo YAA"

The two of them began to pull off something very akin to, though considerably worse than the French can-can – something was out of place here…and it wasn't two men dancing around in their underwear, this was a song that the Doctor had heard somewhere before…he _recognised_ it…but from where?

"Oh, I do love this one" said the Master. His tone though was far less cheerful – something more akin to sinister, "it brings back memories of some good times…"

The room got quieter all of a sudden.

"Hey…" the Doctor said, noticing the lack of volume. The Future-Kind began to recover and he found himself breaking out in a cold sweat, "_Master_! What are you doing?!"

"I know what I'm doing" the Master replied, "clearly you _didn't_. And now I'm going to make you pay."

_What was that song?!_ The Doctor struggled to remember what it was, where it was from, what relevance it had – then came the Master's voice again.

"Out of interest" he inquired with malice, "you _do_ remember that song, don't you? …or were you really so _shit-faced_?"

_Oh God_…it was all coming back as the Future Kind crept ever closer…Germany, at the Octoberfest…folk songs…one…and another one…and _another_ one…one too many. He'd thrown up into a sock, told the brigadier he was his best mate, then threw a cinderblock at that ugly dustbin and cussed it up – exterminate…EX-TER-MI - no, hang on…that was what started the Time War and come to that none of that lot had liked him much since. It was _something else_…Germany, Octoberfest, one two many…_German beer after German beer, _ that _stupid_ folk song…and that fairy had been coming onto him all night…in fact he wasn't looking all that bad anymore…

"_This bit of the console_" the Master barked, shaking the Doctor from his memories "_This. Bit. Here._"

From out of the small siren on top of the TARDIS came a projection screen, revealing the interior and the Master's finger pointing to a very distinct engraving on the side panel of the console –

_D for M_

"What's that?" inquired Jack and Martha simultaneously

"_Nothing_." Came the Doctor's sharp reply, "It's…coordinates!"

"LIES!" shrieked the Master, "Everybody's looking! I've got _security tapes_! …But I don't need them…who could forget that magical night?"

"NO!" The Doctor protested as the Future-Kind forced him and Jack to turn and move backwards towards the TARDIS, "Alright, alright!" The Doctor positively cringed, desperate to have never had to say this, "We were young and stupid and - well, _I_ was _very, very drunk_!!"

As he bumped into the panels of the TARDIS door with Jack, all three of them, him, Martha and Jack were surrounded by the Future-Kind. They had their fangs bared, angry and salivating, hungry for a meal. But even as he looked one right in the eye, he could still see it all – The Master and him falling into the TARDIS, the Master carving that perverse declaration of love on the side of the hub…and him, shit-faced and giggling decided to consummate the damn thing by bending that faggot over the spot…fucked him hard over the console…naked, sweating and _shagging a man_. The next morning, The Doctor, wrought with the shame, strapped him into the Chameleon Arch and the Master woke up on the coast of the Silver Devastation stark naked with a watch in his hand, a raw ass and one hell of a headache. If he hadn't _opened _the damn thing...the Doctor took a deep breath and tapped on the door of the TARDIS.

"…I'm sorry…"

Silence.

"TOUGH!" came the Master's reply from inside the TARDIS. He began to run around the console, twisting a wheel, flipping a switch, pressing a button. With a low, loud rumbling whirr, the engines of the TARDIS were primed.

The Doctor, hearing the sound, fumbled inside the trenchcoat hung on the TARDIS for his Sonic Screwdriver. He whipped it out, elongating it and pressing the button – with a gentle whirr it got to work.

Inside the TARDIS, the machinery began to fail, sparks and lightning pouring from every crevice of the console – the engines slowed, choking.

"_Oh no you don't_!" the Master protested – with a flick of the wrist, he pushed up on the vortex lever and inside the central column appeared an aqua blue piston. The distinctive engines of the TARDIS whirred and roared to life. Running back to the microphone as the TARDIS began to take off, the Master spoke almost to the engines themselves –

"That's right, pump it! _Pump it hard_!" he grinned, "I wish _someone_ would've!"

The Doctor blushed, pressing harder on the Sonic Screwdriver's button in spite.

"You're about to have a very sticky end, _Doctor_!" came the Master's voice as the TARDIS began to fade, "The same sort you gave me if I recall – ooh, the irony is delicious! Have a chuckle! Ta-ta, darlings! Don't die too fast! Kisses!"

Hitting the microphone switch to turn it off, the Master blew a large kiss to no one in particular .

The TARDIS disappeared completely and the Doctor, Jack and Martha, having been leant against it fell to the floor in a heap. The Future-Kind salivated and drooled, eagerly awaiting their next meal - they came closer to their pray, huddled hopelessly on the ground, closer still…one of them, full of excitement began to look the Doctor up and down and his chest heaved. Up and down – faster and faster, hysterically; and another one, and another one… _all of them_… the eyes of the time trio were wrought with fear as the predators came closer…

…and then one dropped. One after the other, they all dropped down, like lambs to the slaughter.

"…my god, they're dead." realised the Doctor incredulously, "they've all just dropped _stone dead_! ...Martha, medical opinion?"

"We're sitting in a room full of _dead guys_…" Jack replied with deadpan horror

"Erm…I dunno" she replied, "Heart attack? Shock?"

"Pleasure overload?" Jack grinned, winking slyly

The Doctor laughed.

"Oh, you might be onto something there, Captain" he smiled, gesturing to his torso, and flicking his head to the direction of the dead Future-Kind "Eh? Eh?"

"Oh, get over yourself Casanova!" Martha interjected, "They choked!"

"Wha…choked, what d'ya mean _choked_? Future-Kind don't _choke_, their respiratory systems are adapted to take in air and food efficiently!" the Doctor argued back. A pause. He thought about it for a few seconds and then continued "…but, well…according to the Timelord theory, they evolved with their chest cavities narrowed for hunting and speed, which means…any repetitive strain on the chest cavity would choke their respiratory system. They were…laughing…they died of hysteria…wow, there's a thought…_a world without laughter_…. Funny old end of the universe, innit?" he smiled with a chuckle.

"And what, pray tell, did that?" Martha chuckled back

Jack and Martha's own sly gazes drew the Doctor's attention down his body – to his own bright green Kermit underwear. He went a very distinct shade of red and his hands shot to cover himself up – death by underwear?! How anti-climactic! This wasn't getting out, no way – the Doctor had a reputation to uphold!

"Oh, no way!" the Doctor vehemently denied, "Not possible!"

"Not _probable_!!" Jack retorted

"_Anyway_" the Doctor interrupted, "_new_ _discussion_, where do you get off watching me strip, madam?!"

Martha simply smiled as the Doctor sighed hopelessly.

"Come on then you two" he said, hoisting himself up and going to pick up his clothes and put them back on amongst the throng of dead bodies, "let's find a way out of this mess."

"Oh, I don't know!" came the voice of Jack behind him, "this really isn't so bad!"

The Doctor turned his head – still in a 'crumpled heap', Jack was conveniently placed right on top of Martha in his underwear. He cringed and went to speak –

"_Jack_" he groaned, "_Put your clothes on._"

--

A/N: How was it? Reviews would be much appreciated - let's see if I've still got the magic!


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